If only I could forget you
by Aemi-AuPaysDesMerveilles
Summary: "If I could just get over you, I would." Shikamaru was asked to forget his love, but it seems impossible to him. / Songfic with Henry Lau's 'I Would'.


**If only I could forget you**

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**Length :** One-shot.

**Universe :** AU.

**Pairing :** ShikaIno.

**Genres :** Angst. / Songfic.

**Rating :** T.

**Disclaimer :** All characters belong to Masashi Kishimoto. The song 'I Would' is from Henry Lau.

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**Summary :** Shikamaru was asked to forget his love, but it seems impossible to him.

**Note :** Hello everybody! It's been long time since I discovered this song, and I still love it so much. A few days ago, I was listening to it and found out it could be a really good song for a short story, so I just tried to put some words on what was in my mind, and here it is! It's full of sadness, just to warn you!

Since it's the first time I write a whole story in English, I'm pretty sure it's not perfect, but anyway, I hope you'll enjoy reading it as much as I liked writing it.

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_Nothing has ever broken me like you did  
__No one I ever wanted more than you  
__Nobody else can make a man so weak  
__Make him fall in love so deep Baby_

Shikamaru was lying in his bed, a hand resting on his beating heart. The pain was still so huge and so heavy that he couldn't barely even breathe. His chest was waving irregularly and his lips were quivering in a strange way. "How could she?" was the only logical thought he could formulate in his lost mind.

They had been in love since the first time they saw each other, and their story was something of a cliché of romance novel. He first hated to say that – even to think about it – but with time, he got to know that is was right. He met Ino when she sat down next to him in the auditorium for a students' meeting, in their first year of university. He immediately noticed her delicate and beautiful face, her long hair where he wanted to tangle his fingers, and felt his heart grasped by some strange yet pleasant feeling when his eyes met hers. Her blue gaze was so deep that he felt himself falling in it, and continued having this very same feeling afterwards, each time they had an eye contact.

They slightly begun to know each other when they found out they were in the same class, and got closer and closer as the time ran, with meaningful glances and barely hidden innuendos. A few months later, as she was saying goodbye in a normal evening, Shikamaru found, out of nowhere, the courage to grab her wrist and to pull her so attractive body into his arms. He had thought so many times about how to confess his feelings, how to express the way he loved everything about her, but didn't find any proper word. The only thing that could talk for him was what he decided to do all of a sudden: touching her cheek with a hesitating hand and kissing her with all his heart without even looking at her eyes before – he was too afraid for that. When she grabbed his hair to get closer to him and kissed him back, even more deeply, Shikamaru clearly felt his heart exploding.

_No one has ever known me like you did_  
_There's just no other girl to see me through_  
_And every single memory I know_  
_Reminds me that I'm all alone, all alone_

A lonely tear ran down his cheek as he blinked in the darkness of their bedroom – or should he say his bedroom, now? Ino had been his only one for so long, his evidence. Deep inside, he knew that he could never find someone as great as her, someone who could know him so well, enough to guess with a simple glance what he had in mind. It was impossible.

After all, they moved in together as they were only twenty and never left each other from this time on. Despite all the disparaging remarks other people made about them – "It's too soon.", "You're gonna regret it!", "You're way too young for that." – they traced their own way, together, and never had the tiniest remorse. They found happiness, only by themselves and were pretty proud of this.

But she was gone now, and the only thing that was left behind was this tiny piece of paper, crumpled in Shikamaru's hand.

_Thought I've seen enough to know it all_  
_But not enough to know how it feels to fall_  
_But the kind of pain you left me with_  
_It never seems to heal_  
_And it never lets me go_

They never managed to have a child, but it seemed like time slowly cured this wound. It had been destiny's choice and they ended up being fine about it. The painful and tough time they went through after getting to know that there was nothing to do about this made them tougher and strengthen their relationship. And after long and numerous conversations, after hours passed searching for information and advices, they finally decided to adopt. Administration became their enemy number one with this decision; they spent so many time filling papers, so many time running and running to all the places they were asked to go, so many time guessing if they would succeed. Right now, Shikamaru was guessing if it was not too much time spent for barely nothing. Just a hope, so quickly destroyed.

But nothing happens without a reason, right? This morning, surrounded by the cold of its loneliness, Shikamaru realized it had only been a warning, a test to see if he was strong enough to endure what just happened.

_If I could just get over you I would_  
_Don't wanna love you anymore_  
_And missing you's like fighting a war_

Shikamaru sat up on the bed, wiping off his cheeks. He read for the umpteenth time the few words written too quickly on the paper he had kept in his hand since this morning. So simple, so short, so meaningful. "I beg you to be happy. You have to forget me." How could she write those two little sentences, knowing him, knowing the love he nourished for her? She didn't answer to this question. In fact, she didn't answer any question he asked her, and it killed him inside.

His heart was beating too hard, his head was hurting, trying to gather all the memories he had of their story. Did he do something wrong, to deserve the pain he was feeling? He wanted to shout out all the bad things he had in mind, but it seemed like something heavy was lying on his throat, blocking everything – the air and its voice. Even swallowing was difficult.

_It's a battle I'm losing_  
_And I'd give up girl if I could_  
_If I could walk away as easily as you_  
_I Would_

He finally found the will to get up and walk to the wall, shuffling his feet. With his shaking hand, he seized a little frame protecting a picture damaged by too many years passed folded in a wallet. It was the very first photo Shikamaru and Ino took together. They seemed so young and so reckless, smiling as they were enjoying one of their first dates. He remembered perfectly their picnic under the shadow of the biggest tree in the park, near the university. The weather had been so hot that they had searched for an ice cream store during almost half an hour. They were giving bread to the lake's ducks when Ino had asked her boyfriend to smile and to look at the camera. Shikamaru could still feel her arm on his back when she got closer to him just before pressing the release button.

And now, what remained? Some old pictures, stuff forgotten on a few drawers and memories bound to disappear. His heart was so void that he felt like he didn't even have a single little hope to build some future on.

_Tell me how do I live with tainted love?_

Shikamaru didn't want to believe that one day, he might fall in love again. After all, love was the only reason why he was so hurt, deep inside; he did not want to experience this pain another time. His heart was poisoned and he felt like it was forever.

_Tell me how can I feel no feelings?_

If it was possible, somehow, to get rid of all those nasty sensations which were fighting in his mind, he would do anything to do it. In a way, he knew that Ino was right, he could not live like this forever; but he had no idea how he was supposed to dispose of his feelings. How to forget someone when she was the half of yourself from more than ten years? It was like asking him to stop being so lazy: insurmountable.

_Is there a way to leave it all behind?_

He suddenly shouted out in the void this stupid question.

— How?!

The word burnt his throat, but it was a certain relief to see that he still had anger in him, another feeling than just sadness or sorrow.

Did he have to throw away all the things that reminded him of Ino? Did he have to burn all of their pictures together, or to tear all the love letters they had exchanged? Or did he have to lobotomize his freaking annoying brain to delete his memory?

_If I could just get over you I would_  
_Don't wanna love you anymore_  
_And missing you's like fighting a war_

Shikamaru had the impression that he was slightly going mad. He let himself falling on the floor, exhausted. Was it because he was thinking of too much things, or because he had run under a freezing rain, without even knowing for how long or where he was going? He had no idea.

The only thing clear in his mind was the face Ino had when she gave him this maddening piece of paper a few hours ago. It is not like he did not know it would happen; it had been written in the marble of destiny since a long time. But knowing something is very different from experiencing it. It is like a mirage, something you are supposed to see coming, but you stay persuaded, somehow, that it will never happen to you. Tragedies are for others, right?

Even after countless examinations and several medical opinions, they never got to realize that they were running out of time.

_It's a battle I'm losing_  
_And I'd give up girl if I could_

They had some conversations about after, but nothing that could have prepared Shikamaru to what happened on this dark and rainy morning. He went to the hospital, just like every day, to spend a bit of time with his wife before going to work. Ino had seemed incredibly tired and this had made him realize that something was wrong. Her eyes were too bright, and her smile too resigned. She barely couldn't speak and the strength she had when Shikamaru had grabbed her hand was sadly quite inexistent.

He did not say anything and preferred to pretend it was a normal day, hoping it could help Ino to get better… But she only had the time to give him a scrap of paper teared from an old notebook while looking at him with a glance he never had seen on her face. His heart sank when he unfolded the little paper to read what she had written with a shaking hand, and he still could hear those few words' echo in his head. "I beg you to be happy. You have to forget me." He had suddenly been so afraid of their meaning, but when he asked her what was he supposed to understand, her eyes were already still, starring at the void. The electrocardiogram had made an unacceptable long noise while he kept crying her name without receiving any answer.

_Just tell me how to walk away_  
_Away from loving you_  
_And I Would_

He could not do anything but watching her go and it was killing him. So, how? How was he supposed to forget her? How was he supposed to live when half of his heart just died unfairly? Right now, the only thing he wished was to lay on the floor, waiting for whatever end to come.

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The end! What do you think? (Is my English level ok? ^^')

Frankly, at first, I just wanted to relate an unrequited love story, but I suddenly got the idea to write about a death. Well it's really not happy at all, but still, I didn't want Ino to have the bad role cause I like her character. So she ended up dying… So sorry Ino! I promise I won't do it again! (Oh wait… Nope I can't just promise you that, I'm the kind of author that makes one or two people die in each of my stories so…)

Anyway, I may write something else in English, in the future, but I'm still not sure. Feel free to tell me what you thought about this short story!

Bye~


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